Because we at the Coast
of Illinois are all about safety and keeping your adult children out
of therapy.
WARNING!
If you are male this post may
cause much distress and possibly place images in your head that you
can not un-think.
Hoping to switch up my sleeping attire which consists mostly of large
stretchy t-shirts, I bought a new pajama top. It was pinky-orange,
supremely soft with a little twist in the front and a seam,
suggesting a waist. It was not clingy but not so large that a family
of five could camp in it for a weekend. Plus the print was hibiscus
which matched my super comfy hibiscus lounge pants.
The first evening I wore the top I felt marvelous. The little knot
detail/seam hugged my breastical area as the remaining fabric fell
away in a flow-ey, not pregnant-looking manner. I got compliments!
From my family! Over my choice of lounge wear!
I put the top on last night, hoping for a little positive
reinforcement.
Ha!
It took no less than four Cirque de Soliel moves to get the
breasticals stationed in their appropriate positions. And, the minute
I reached for the bathroom door MyLeftBreast* went AWOL and attempted
to escape MyRightBreast who was hogging all the fabric thus pulling
the knot away from center and putting it more in the armpit area.
Several more moves ala Cirque and everyone was back in position. I
found that by keeping my shoulders back, neck straight and chin up,
everything stayed where God and Merona wanted it.
Until I bent over to turn the television on. MyRightBreast determined
this as the window of opportunity and literally leaped from its tiny
fabric ledge and out into the Great Room. Thankfully my family has
been conditioned to interpret and ignore the various shrieks I emit
throughout the day. As practiced in drill, they averted their eyes
and pretended that the Harbor Freight Flyer was the singularly most
interesting piece of paper they had ever seen thus allowing me time
to shove Righty back in place.
Of
course, this entire episode could have been avoided had I simply worn
a bra under my pajama top. Everyone from Miss Galbrieth, my 7th
grade home-ec teacher, to Carrie Bradshaw has championed wearing bras
24/7. Clearly these women have never worked twelve hours, standing on
their feet while wearing the Playtex Kevlar Pretty Woman Brassiere.
When I get home at night I just want to be comfortable. And not send
my children to therapy.
Is that too much to ask?
*MyLeftBreast is in no way related to the Daniel Day Lewis movie My
Left Foot.
Although it totally should be.
Lol, this is wonderful Laura!
ReplyDeletethank you Phibby! just trying to save the world, one breastical at a time!
DeleteI was trying to pick just one line from this that I would like on a t-shirt, but there are too many:
ReplyDelete"If you are male this post may cause much distress and possibly place images in your head that you can not un-think."
"It took no less than four Cirque de Soliel moves to get the breasticals stationed in their appropriate positions."
"by keeping my shoulders back, neck straight and chin up, everything stayed where God and Merona wanted it."
I could keep going. This is genius.
thank you Robyn! May have to begin consideration on that t-shirt line!
Delete