Wednesday, February 25, 2015

Things To Do in Denver When You're Dead...okay, not so much Dead as Stranded

The following post is a public service announcement
brought to you by the
Society to Not Completely Lose It
While Trying to Return Home

Below is a list of things to do, should you find yourself sitting in the Denver airport, staring at the text message on your phone which states: "Your flight has been cancelled due to crew availability".

  1. Stare at your phone and wonder how the plane, which just pulled up to your gate, could lack a crew to fly it to the promised destination.
  2. Stand in ticket line at least 90 minutes waiting to reschedule flight. Hotel Voucher and Meal Voucher Roulette is dependent on reason for flight cancellation.Essentially if God caused it you are screwed.
  3. Wonder just why everyone in front of you is so keen on going to Fargo, ND.
  4. Leave backpack stuffed in coat to mimic slumped body and have moving sidewalk races.
  5. Return to line and wonder just what is up with Fargo.
  6. Using story problem method try to figure out just how much jerky the eight $7.00 meal vouchers will buy.
    Okay. This clearly offers one more thing to do in Denver. But this is a family blog, people. And, the answer to #6 is apx five bags of jerky. If you stick to the 1.1 oz bags.
  7. Figure out just how much eight $7.00 meal vouchers is actually worth.
  8. Totally confuse the hotel shuttle driver by commenting, 'Not my bag. Not my bag.' as he unloads all the bags in the back of the shuttle. Once the shuttle is devoid of baggage, grab backpack from shoulder and shout, 'Here it is!'
  9. Steal travel companions cookies. Demand that they go back to front desk, insisting that they never received one of those delicious warm spheres of yummitude.
  10. Shop gift shop for t-shirts to sleep in.
    a. Have 'a-ha' moment with realization that you have just purchased Dad's father's day gift. (Sorry Dad – no picture. Don't want to ruin the surprise, but rest assured, there is a huge indigenous animal on the front.)
  11. Devise a meal plan to feed a family of four, containing all four food groups, with $56.00 in meal vouchers at an airport hotel restaurant.
  12. Play "Where Were You Suppose to be Tonight" with other restaurant patrons. Winner gets all meal vouchers.
  13. Realize that there are no winners in "Where Were You Suppose to be Tonight?" Except for the hotel.
  14. Take walk to Walgreens to stretch your legs. Cross same two streets a minimum of 10 times while never actually getting to the side of the road that Walgreens sits on. Contemplate writing a letter to the Denver City Planner.
  15. Return to room empty handed but with an appetite for one of the misappropriated cookies.
  16. Wonder just how these hotels get the bed linens to be so soft.
  17. Fall asleep counting how many planes, trains, buses, shuttles and cabs you have ridden in over the past four months. Not counting the train to work or the work shuttle when you drive.
  18. Wake up. Get blinded by automatic bathroom light. Call front desk and inquire about the purchase of these amazing sheets!
  19. Practice your best Fargo accent when you answer the ridiculously shrill wake up call.
  20. Note that in-room coffee pot does not work.
  21. Text all traveling companions with this news. Even though one of them is in bed next to you.
  22. Formulate, draft and email a business plan which would allow Starbucks to open a 24 hour delivery set up.
  23. With all fifteen waiting shuttle passengers, ponder the possible scenarios in which might a pair of multi-colored underpants might wind up frozen to the front step of the hotel.
    a. NO. There is no photo. That is just gross.
    b. Okay. I wish I had thought to take a photo.
  24. VERY CALMLY AND RESPECTFULLY GO THROUGH THE SECURITY CHECK PLACING LAP TOP IN BIN BY ITSELF. Try not to stare in contempt while husband goes through the Pre-Check lane. Again.
  25. Sing along with the instrumental tune that plays on the train which takes you to Concourse B. Add airport trains to list in number 18.
  26. Wish you had been more economical with the food vouchers as you invent things to do with the gross egg flap that is found in your sausage biscuit. 
    The National Flag of EggFlapLandia
  27. Make list of Things to do in Denver When Your Flight is Canceled Due to Crew Availability.
  28. Run through concourse to take picture of Jerky Shack while Group 1 boards plane. Those smug first class bastards.
  29. Board plane. Bargain with God, offering to stop calling random strangers – 'smug bastards'- if He will only make sure you don't die with three days worth of leg stubble present on your legs, Vow to never go anywhere again. Notice Islands magazine in backpack. Book next trip the minute the flight attendant says you can turn your mobile devices back on.

In all fairness, there were a large number of flights cancelled, missed and re-routed due to weather over the past week. It is really no surprise the flight crew needed some sleep. All airport and airline personnel were amazingly friendly and helpful. The staff of the Doubletree Denver were equally pleasant and helpful and the hotel was wonderful.

Clearly that above paragraph is the result of me being clean, jammied and sipping on a glass of Cabernet.

I am not that forgiving when I have three days of leg stubble.

And – to prove to one of my younger traveling companions – Things to Do In Denver When You're Dead is a real song. And it is awesome.


  1. And one of the reasons I got into Warren Zevon. Along with Werewolves and headless Thompson gunners.

    1. I am sorry it took me so long to discover Mr. Zevon. I fear he would have shaped my life into quite a different direction!

  2. EGADS. Glad you got home. Re vouchers and acts of God: this Caribbean trip that I'm blogging about so that I can ignore this miserable winter we're having here ended on Monday the 26th of January, also known as Snowmaggedidn't, the blizzard that was supposedly going to shut down NYC but ended up veering off a few degrees and pummeling states to the north instead. We went to the airport early because we could all see this might be trouble. We were flying different airlines so we all went to sit in our respective lines (and I mean sit, we were there so early that the airline folks weren't there yet). Well, I've laughed more than once at stories about people who were stuck in the tropics because of terrible storms in their home cities, there's always that element of "Oh, poor things, had to stay in Paradise for a couple more days, soooo sad (NOT)" - but there TQ and I were sitting in the line and praying that Delta would take us home. Not quite as amusing a prospect when you realize that you're going to be competing with everybody else in the airport for whatever hotel rooms there are nearby, and there aren't going to be vouchers because blizzard = ACT OF GOD.

    Fortunately Delta was a little braver about the weather than the other airlines and got us home more or less when they said they would. They told us as we were on the runway that although we might have been hearing some scary forecasts, they were comfortable with going because even if the blizzard DID hit NYC, the worst of the snow wasn't going to hit until hours after we were on the ground. It was a bumpy flight but they got us there. I'm still laughing at how ridiculously happy we were to NOT have gotten stuck in Paradise.

    1. Isn't that the truth?! I think it has something to do with knowing you are going 'home' and that whole letting an airline determine your activities for the next few hours. I kept telling myself - this is the first time in over 30 years of travel that we have ever had to deal with a huge delay. #feelingWorldlyNow! lol

  3. This is great and made me laugh!! It would have been fun to have you around during my internment at the Tampa Airport. We could have taken cookies from the other passengers together. But, I would have eaten the evidence!

    1. And with your antibac skills we would have been the cleanest people there!! Thanks for the read Nurse Elaine!

  4. I hate to laugh at your misfortune but you make it hard not to with this hilarious list! I'm glad that a glass of Cabernet in hand helped you to see the humor, too. I can surely relate to that moment, in the middle of a catastrophe of one kind or another, when you realize that what you are experiencing is excellent material for a blog post and you MUST get some photos!
    And those warm Doubletree cookies are a brilliant marketing idea. You are not the only one who has fibbed their way to an extra cookie or two!

    1. There was a little boy on the shuttle who was plotting a way to get ALL the hot cookies! It involved getting off at shuttle stop one and then hiking to the second Doubletree! His mother did not agree. lol!


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