How Marketing Saved My Ankle-Bone but still managed to Scar me for Life

Warning!

This post may contain, but not be limited to, references of

shaving products,

scraping injury,

things women do in bathrooms that no one needs to know about

things men do in bathrooms that no one needs to know about

and

ridiculous marketing practices.

Oh, and battery operated appliances which probably should not be battery operated.

I had to purchase a new razor. The latch-thing which holds the ridiculously wide, imbedded with moisturizer & aloe for your comfort, blade broke thus making it impossible to not amputate my ankle bone in the shower. Of course, the ridiculously wide blade is SO wide that I could almost maneuver it without a handle but between the soap and the moisturizer & aloe imbedding all I ended up doing was grabbing the wrong edge of the blade.

So in the interest of saving my thumb and not giving myself tetanus or using up my newly assigned health benefits, I went to my favorite Bulls-eye Store where I was assaulted and a little insulted by the genius of Marketing.

It is pretty common knowledge that anything meant for purchase by women for women costs more money. It is more expensive to get your haircut and have your clothes dry cleaned if you are the proud owner of a uterus.

But $5 more per razor?

Aren't men the ones who perpetuated the ideal of women being frugal and semi-hairless?

I studied the row of razors and corresponding blades, all named for Greek goddesses and Female activists. I then studied the row of razors and corresponding blades named for fast cars and testosteroney things. The only difference I could find, besides the price and the ridiculously wide blades (imbedded/moisturizer&aloe4yourComfort), was the pink and purple colors of the women's razors.

I had no idea that the pigments to create pink and purple were so precious.

I returned to the men's aisle.

(Does anyone else find it a little excessive that there are entire aisles dedicated to Men and Women's shaving needs?)

Anyway. I noted a tiny sale tab next to a rather ecologically colored razor promising a $5 gift card with purchase. Not only could I SAVE $5 by purchasing the men's version but I could also EARN $5! Way to stick it to the Man!

I felt quite rebelliously gender-bendy and frugal as I tossed the delightful tan and green razor for sensitive skin because boys, you're worth it, into my cart and headed to the check-out to claim my gift card. Which I promptly used on a VENTI (Italian for big-ass. As in, I like venti-butts and I can not lie.) latte at the Bulls-eye Starbucks.

Later, as I wrestled the new razor from its hermetically sealed plastic, I was surprised to find it came with one AAA battery. Upon further inspection it was determined that I had purchased a vibrating razor.

Let's say that together: Vibrating. Razor

Now, I am not making any judgements here. Nor am I suggesting or revealing anything about myself (as my parents usually read this blog) but....I have attended a couple of those 'Adult Toy' parties and I do not recall ANY of those 'toys' using anything smaller than C or D batteries. Plural. If anyone is purchasing a RAZOR to 'entertain' themselves in the shower I feel I am pretty safe making the assumption that one tiny AAA battery is not going to provide enough power 'for your comfort'.

Not that anyone would use a RAZOR in such an off-label manner.

But why for the love of Band-aids would you want a blade to VIBRATE anywhere near your ankle, shin or ...anywhere???

And this is a MEN'S razor? Just what the heck are you men shaving?

No. Don't answer that.

Really.

Don't.

For the benefit of research, I put the battery into the razor. There didn't seem to be an on/off switch. I thought perhaps the shaving motion would activate it but nothing happened but a clean close shave. Until I got to my ankle. As I readjusted the grip on the razor my hand grasped the button which releases the blade. And turns on the vibrating action.

The surprise caused me to drop the razor which sent the normally-wide blade, imbedded with a tiny amount of moisturizer because men like soft skin too, flying towards the shower drain and away from my ankle.

Thus saving me from amputating my right ankle bone.

Thank you Marketing. 

(PS - I have discovered that using conditioner rather than shaving cream or plain old soap actually leads to much smoother, softer legs with less dry skin. Give it a try. Plus, when those little leg hairs grow back, they are super shiny.)