Friday, January 4, 2013

Buddy, if I had the dime to spare...

Things I want to say to panhandlers:

No thanks, I'm good but, hey everyone, this guy's giving away money! Anyone need some?

Hey security! This guy needs money for a train ticket.

Here's a dollar. Now you give me your crack pipe, stash and that diamond ring and we'll call it even.

You PROMISE to buy beer with this, right? Don't go wasting it on a sandwich or fruit. You get a nice IPA, or maybe a pumpkin ale.

I'll give you a dollar if you swear you will wear underwear next time.


Oh honey, money won't fix anything. Lets hold hands and sing. I find a good song always cheers me up. (Grab hands and sing Get This Party Started. Invite everyone else on the train to join in.)

I don't speak English. (Say in perfectly enunciated English.)

I'll give you 5 bucks but first you give that burly TSA agent a sloppy kiss on the lips. There's another 10 in it for you if you grab his ass.

Sure, here's a dollar. But I must keep back 6.2% for social security and another 15% for Federal Bd State taxes. And wait a minute. Lets deduct $100 for your major medical and really, you should put 10% in your 401k.

(Don't get me wrong. I support many charities and have a few friends that have had to panhandle in the past. However, when I get hit up by the same two guys multiple times over multiple days I assume a conspiracy. Maybe they should just incorporate and get it over with.  Besides, the Coast of Illinois has many great organizations dedicated to assisting those in need. Like St. Patrick's Center - they provide housing, job training, and placement but you have to follow the rules.

Just like the rest of us.)

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