Friday, October 19, 2012

Dedicated to Mrs. Mose...

Dedicated to Mrs. Mose, who taught 5th grade, loved Lysol and her varicose veins and felt that I did not use my time wisely.

My vascular entity Vein-essa and I parted ways a couple days ago in a flourish of lidocaine and lasers. What follows are some of the highlights:

Technician: Do you mind if we leave the door open? We're the only ones here.
(let it be noted that I am in my UNDERPANTS on an exam table here)

Doctor: This is going to sting.
(As he proceeds to STAB me multiple times from knee to upper thigh.)
Internal Conversation with myself: Wish I had done more leg lifts in 8th grade PE class. My God. I am only 5'5" I think he is just stabbing me for the fun of it now.)

Technician: Wow!
(Everyone in room gets quiet. I prop up on my elbows and demand to know what was so WOW! Reassure everyone that I can handle it.)
Technician: Well, as he injected the local anesthetic there, a bunch of it sort of shot out of this hole a fountain!)
Internal Conversation with myself: So happy to be of entertainment value.
Me,out loud: Do I get a discount for that?

Technician: Let us know if you taste anything, smell anything or feel anything...unusual.
Internal Conversation as well as External Conversation: You really need to tell people that?

Doctor: Wait! She needs her goggles.
(Let it be known here – I am the only one wearing goggles. I can only assume they are to protect the other people in the room when the laser shoots up my leg vein and out of my eyes. Sort of like that Nazi Movie Director at the final scene of Raiders of the Lost Ark...right before his face melts off.)

What happens next is a blur of lasers, burning smells and several more stabbing injections after which I reminded myself and everyone in the room that I had entered into this VOLUNTARILY.
I left the office in no pain except for the pulling sensation two rolls of tape attached to my leg where one of my stab wounds continued to bleed and a brand new pair of awesome support hose.

Disclaimer: Except for the localization, this was totally painless. Unless you count the humiliation of laying around in front of total strangers in your underpants.

Disclaimer #2: The Doctor assured me that Varicose Veins are, in fact, not caused by:
Being Overweight
Not exercising enough
Exercising too much
Standing for thousands of hours
Wearing high heels
Crossing your legs
Eating too much red meat
Drinking too many rum drinks
Going Barefoot
Varicose Veins are just bad genetic luck.

So, Thanks Mom and Dad.

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